Life, love and loss

As human beings one of our greatest joys in life are our relationships. Whether these be familial, romantic, platonic or even business relationships, they play an integral part in our emotional well being. Very few things can compare to the happiness we feel when we are surrounded by genuine love from our family and friends. We want to share everything, positive and negative with these individuals. Our achievements, successes and highs are even more magnified when experienced with a loved one. The lows, disappointments and sadness we feel aches less when we have a gentle hand or comforting voice telling us that “this too shall pass”. We cherish these feelings and individuals as best we can. This is the reason why we take pictures, quickly posting ourselves to our Twitter and Instagram feeds, smiling happily or cheekily into the camera or looking away in the distance at something poignant. We do this because we want others to see the highlight reel of the good times in our lives. Savoring the good times is as human as wanting to forget the sad times.

Unfortunately, life is made up of many sad times. Some of these sad times are ingrained in our psyche and minds. We may even have moments of some of our saddest times on film. Visiting a dying friend or relative in the hospital, a sonogram of a baby later miscarried, the funeral of a loved one, or maybe a snap taken before a serious surgery are pictures that all make the cut for some of us.

We learn to process sadness, death and loss as children. Crying when we’ve misplaced our favorite toy, realizing that we won’t ever see that doll or Yo-yo again. Or starting a new grade and not having the same friends in our class as the year before because some have moved or changed schools. When we hit our teenage years these losses build some more. The loss of a first crush, a job, or even a friendship that couldn’t weather the storm. We may find ourselves heartbroken for the first time. A grandparent or even a parent may die. For some of us it could be ending things with a boyfriend or girlfriend we thought we’d grow old with. Hearing that breakups happen and we’ll move on and find love again oftentimes sounds like a lie at this pivotal time in our lives.  But it’s not a lie. Even the saddest day of our life, only lasts 24 hours. Yes, the aftermath of emotions aren’t as brief, but it is possible to move on. I’ve learned that for us to appreciate the good we have to take the bad that comes with it.

And life can get bad. With a capital B. The worse pains we can experience in life are the death of a loved one and a breakup. After these events, we usually have a constant feeling of butterflies roaming in our stomachs. We don’t answer our phones for fear of more bad news, or we constantly check our phones to see if that person has texted us, reached out to say that they’ve made a mistake and want us back. Even when we’ve been the one doing the breaking up , we can still feel sadness and regret. We stop showering, changing our clothes and making an effort, reasoning, “What’s the point?”. After all, the person that we wanted to see us at our best isn’t around to see us anyway. 

These lows can only be rivaled by the high and euphoria that comes during the birth of a child, or a wedding or an accomplishment such as graduating from high school or college. The adrenaline of knowing that your life will never be the same. The excitement and thrill that we get knowing that this is just the beginning is hardly rivaled. We begin to feel as if we can stop holding our breaths and finally exhale. 

Although I’ve had heartbreak and sadness in my life as an adult, as a child I never learned to cope with loss. My mother created a cocooned environment for my younger sister and I so tight and impenetrable that I didn’t realize that bad things happened until I was well into my pre-teens. The realization was like a kick to the gut. I remember a particular trying time when the baby of our next door neighbor passed away from Sudden infant death syndrome shortly after he was born. That was the first of many deaths that I would experience and it blew my ten year old world apart. 

I didn’t understand why death had to happen and nobody could explain it to me in a way that I wanted to hear or would accept. Death to me was and still is unfair. The death of baby Justin started me on a spiral of not knowing how to manage my grief that would last well into my late twenties. 

I saw the fragility of life and I feared death. It wasn’t the healthy fear you have that stops you from playing with matches around your mothers good drapes so you don’t accidentally set the house on fire. It was a fear so deep that I became a memory hoarder. I was obsessed with creating moments with my family, and friends. Every birthday I lived made me grateful to see another year but also fearful that with my age increasing I was veering closer to death. I remember my nineteenth birthday setting me in a depressive funk so bad that my parents actually suggested that I see a therapist. I realized that I had a big issue with letting go and saying goodbye to items and people. It would be another nine years before I saw a therapist for this issue and others, following a painful break-up that put me into a depression I couldn’t shake. 

After seeing my therapist I learned to process my grief. I can compartmentalize my emotions and decide if they are worth my time. The ones that are, I tackle and try to understand why I am feeling how I do at the moment. The feelings that are me overreacting, or a response to a slight or perceived disrespect from someone, I pray on them, say my peace and leave them to God. I used to pack away my feelings like a person taking their first vacation. A suitcase of emotions so stuffed that I feared opening up these feelings and dealing with the overflow. I’ve learned that disappointments in life happen, people die, breakups happen and friendships end. Ive also realizes that I don’t have to obsess over these things the way I used to. I pray to not become overly sad when things don’t go my way or when bad things happen. 

Of course I still have moments were I relapse into my depression. I am a work in progress, the only difference is that I don’t allow myself to stay in that depressive state of mind. I do my breathing exercises, journal or take a walk. 

Now, in my early thirties I appreciate life for what it is. Life. And I know that whether it’s good or bad, life will keep on happening. It’s up to us how we will let it affect us. The fact is that after every storm comes a rainbow. This is Gods way of telling us “Hey I know that storm was scary and ugly but look at the beauty that came because of it.” 

To all those who have lost a loved one either in death or through a breakup I’ll keep you in my prayers. I wish you strength, serenity and the hope that one day you’ll find your rainbow after the storm. It’s there, I promise.