The breakup blues

When I was twenty eight years old I went through a devastating breakup. It was during this time that I learned so much about love, loss and myself. 

The grief I felt at the time of my breakup seemed insurmountable and I was certain that I would never be happy again. I felt lost and embarrassed that I felt this way. My memory was set to one channel that only featured instant replays of my ended relationship. I became locked in a never ending cycle of reliving both the good and bad times. To make matters worse my ex and I share a child. Co-parenting was a nightmare as I had resentment towards him and didn't want to be around him even when it related to our child. 

Add to this the fact that we share many mutual friends. This made it near to impossible to have a private breakup. Instead, our lives were played out like a soap opera for all to see. Well meaning individuals would report to me all of my exes moves, who he was dating and what he was up to. This kept me in a never ending loop of having to hear his name on a daily basis, even when I didn't have to physically be around him. 

Although my family and friends rallied around me, I felt alone. I became depressed, suicidal and anorexic. I spent long days and nights curled up in the fetal position, crying, praying and sleeping. My oldest daughter was only four years old at the time and couldn't comprehend exactly what was going on. All that she knew was that mommy and daddy were no longer together. The sadness on her face the day we moved out of our home is one forever etched in my memory. 

In time, I grew to appreciate the breakup for what it was. I placed the relationship into perspective and took off the Rose colored glasses I wore to idolize my ex and our relationship. In place I wore glasses that showed everything in 20/20. This was a reality check for me. It allowed me to stop blaming myself completely for the demise of our relationship. I could now focus solely on the role that I played instead of carrying the entire burden of blame. 

Eventually, I became well again. I regained healthy eating habits, saw a Therapist and learned to control my emotions. This has lent towards me being a better mother, wife and person overall. I learned a lot about myself during this time. I learned that I had a resilient spirit. I came out of my breakup stronger than I had been prior to it. I was also no longer weak minded. The strong personality that was stifled during my relationship was out in full bloom. I no longer cared so much what others felt about me and for the first time in my life I could say no and mean it. 

In time, with my new husband I learned what it's like to be in a healthy loving and committed relationship. We mutually respect each other's feelings and strive to be fair emotionally to one another. 

When you're going through something as devastating as a breakup, you don't realize that there is always a rainbow after the storm. Even if you don't see it. You feel it. The sadness lifts. The tears dry and you find yourself laughing and smiling again. In short, you move on. When the other person moves on you're genuinely happy for them. You realize that no matter the hurt that a person has caused you, they deserve love as well. 

I never though that an event that at one time conjured up feelings of hurt and despair would now make me smile. I was a caterpillar before my breakup. To become a butterfly I had to dig deep inside and change many factors about myself. I'm not perfect. Nobody is. But I'm happy. 

I found the person who I wanted to be and I love this new version of myself. Sometimes it makes me laugh that, I only found myself after I completely lost myself.